The Keogh is our own award that anonymously (sometimes) identifies total incompetence and/or shrewd cunning exhibited in a formal setting. It is named in honour of Mr. John Michael Keogh of Hawthorn, Victoria. John was granted an innovation patent for his "Circular Transportation Facilitation Device" in 2001. He was jointly, with the Australian Patents Office (IP Australia), awarded an Ig Nobel Prize for Technology. A parody of the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobel Prizes are awarded each year for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think". It is worth reading his stunning application.
He was granted a patent for the wheel some 5,500 years after it was invented. This is just magnificent incompetence on the part of IP Australia; and cunning strategy to test the less stringent approval process; it would be interesting to see what type of cat the official was and to recognise his contribution here.
We have not identified the person and have obfuscated the location but the circumstances are absolutely true.
Background: Client "Benjamin Hearn" drove a vehicle that did not have an interlock and over 0.00%. The Magistrate's Court website (we are not lawyers, remember) indicates that it is mandatory for the magistrate to impose a minimum four year interlock condition after three .05 violations in 10 years which became the case. Mr. Hearn received a $900 fine and around $100 in court costs for being over 0.00%. Got off for driving the car with no interlock. This is a Keogh moment.
Winners: We award jointly the following:
1. Magistrate "Barry Palmer" - a 30 + year law veteran who cannot even impose a sentence. Now Mr. Hearn has to obtain fresh reports, attend another hearing to restore his licence knowing that it will now have a minimum 4 years on the Interlock. Another day wasted at the "Moe" Magistrates Court.
2. Solicitor "Clemente Beneventi" who did not advise Mr. Hearn that this is what he could expect given his record.
3. The Police prosecution resource who just read out charges with zero understanding of what they mean and did nothing to persue the argument that a sentence was now mandatory which has to be done with a Licence Eligibility Order.
Comment: Who supervises Magistrates? When was the last assessment done? Who can Mr. Hearn complain to? Who is the boss? This laughable process is deplorable. If we were in charge, Mr. Palmer would be suspended for one year for giving no penalty for driving a car without an interlock when the licence had an Interlock Condition. Does this now mean that driving a car with no interlock when you have an Interlock Condition on your licence can now be done providing your breath is 0.00% using the principle of legal precedent? What a clown. Mr. Palmer is bringing the system into disrepute by negligent incompetence; unable to think. If it was a hot day, we would retire him.
Theresa May, British PM. From The Irish Times: "Having run an astonishingly inept campaign, she immediately demonstrated her utter lack of negotiating skills by declaring a deal with the Democratic Unionist Party before one had been agreed."
Comment: It is reassuring to realise that we still have common ties with The Mother Country. Inept Prime Ministers with worse alternatives..... Meets the Keogh criteria.
Melbourne Cricket Club and CorpVote. In a Committee election, members have been advised: "You will only be able to vote once and your vote will be registered anonymously."
Comment: So how the hell do they know who has voted? Is this a method to promulgate a desired outcome?
Myki and the Minister for Transport of Victoria. Kaitlyn Bradfield had separated from Calem Bradfield. Calem was the account holder and a cardholder; Kaitlyn had a card, embossed with her name, on Calem's account. Kaitlyn wanted to be an account holder for her own card. Not possible - referred to Head Office - get back in 10 days as she was alredy registered and could not even purchase a new card.
Comment: Kaitlyn was told that a way around this was to give a false date of birth. Meets the Keogh criteria.
Previous Winner: We love this one:
The Australia Post outlet, located at 117 Glenferrie Road Malvern Victoria, used to have two post boxes on wheels at the entrance of the shop. The Postmaster withdrew them from service as they became "too heavy".
Comment: What a loser. A very worthy winner of the Keogh Award. No names disguised here!
This predates the patent for the wheel by a long way. It's 1983 and the National Property Manager for Caltex was the capable, yet ultra eccentric, the late Kevin Braitling. He knocked back a proposal to give a dealer owned outlet an Interest Free Loan to undertake some capital works for mutual benefit. "We don't give them", said Kevin. The proposal was resubmitted with a minor alteration proposing an Interest Bearing Loan at zero interest.
Comment: This was approved and the dealer's volume secured for a further three years.